I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
