Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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