Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
