everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
