You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
