Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I love you. Go after that dick
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
