I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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