you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
