That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
