Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Randomize
