If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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