Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
