Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
