Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
