My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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