you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
