12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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