Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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