Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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