You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
