Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
whose ass print is on the piano?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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