Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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