you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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