my phone needs a breathalizer
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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