only you would photoshop your dick
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
