Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
