watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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