I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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