Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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