Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
