I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
