cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
