She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
