You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
