I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
