My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
