peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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