Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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