She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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