What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize