My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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