So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
