You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
