u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
