apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
