I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
