I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just pee around me
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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