I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
