I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
