if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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