Small penises have feelings too.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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