carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
