you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
They took my balls.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
