Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
