You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
