Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize