he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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