I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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