Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
