Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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