sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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