this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
